Chris the Producer
Birth and Early Life Known to all Buglers as "The Wonderful Truth", Chris the Producer was born on November 6th, 5 AD as a back up baby to God's new baby boy, Jesus H. Chris was truly the spawn of God's middle man, Mod. As Chris grew, he learned all of his father's heavenly methods for annyoing the general public. From plagues of corrupt Popes to the BNP to shitting into hole's to forcing small children to listen to Andy's puns, Chris grew in his knowledge of odd evil God Gave us. Chris's ultimate dream was, and still is, to "bring an annoying Podcast to give a voice box to the one true god (Gordon Brown) on all the pathetic masses." Following in his father's footsteps, Chris became a midlevel Roman ruler under the alias of Brian. From there, his extensive list of odd thing he did precede him. Various Acts of Great Things He Did 0-100 A.D. The world's first great fuck up that Chris couldn't stop was the crucifixion of Jesus Christ. While the history books tell us the Jews were ultimately responsible for this brutal murder, the underlying cause truly was this abomination Romans, supported by the Jews. When Jesus first arrived on the synagogue circuit in his home of Nazareth, he expected an enormous welcome. However, following his speech about the crazy old loons from the Old Testaments and the Laws of Moses, Chris then proceeded to support Jesus for no reason at all. The village of the Jews was quick to seized Chris to stone him. After trying to stone him, Chris ran to warn Jesus, but unfortunately, the crazed crowd got him (with the help of Judas) and then proceed to kill Jesus. In the following few years, Chris realized Jesus' power over these PUT THIS HERE IS A XENOPHOBIC DICK WHO HAS NO PLACE ON WIKIA and was trying to talk to his 3/4 brother. But unfortunately, while Jesus could have easily talked to him, he was weakened by Hematidrosis and could only muster enough energy saying "Good luck Chris, a guy call Andy will help you in 2000 year's". Chris was so devastated that he put himself into a fucking long sleep. 1000-Present... A.D. Following these events, Chris was proud still sad and felt he deserved a gap year. So he took a budget easyJet boat, (an 5.12 cm boat, 1 oar and one sandwich{the true devils}) to York (don't laugh it was the ibiza of the early A.D. generation... wait your turn guys all things come back in style). But unfortunately on his first day his 21 year old girlfriend shat on his mini-stonehenge pop-up solar calender and he broke his wrist mounted sun-dial whilst trying to save her from a mob of Normans. So unable to tell if his gap year was over he stayed in York helping the orphans and writing songs for Olivia Newton John for several centuries until, by correctly estimating that at least two winters had passed, he came to the conclusion that it had been at least one year, and decided to get back into the mainstream world-preaching business. In fact, on April 14, 1865 Chris (sporting a fake moustache) almost saved the assassinated President Abraham Lincoln before trying to kill the all-around dickhead John Wilkes Booth. Booth's reputation in history never recovered (Thank fuck for that). In the late 19th century Chris reincarnated him self into a little Austrian boy. At first he tried to get into painting but every one thought that it was shit. So, disappointed, Chris headed off to Germany hoping for a better life there. He joined the army and fought in World War 1 (For the Swizz). He enjoyed the war so much he never wanted to do it again, but he did not have the power to do it. Then Chris got an idea (these were rare and sometime's good), He would get into politics. Making several speeches and writing a "Book" book, Chris finally warmed his way to the people's hearts. But Chris still needed a group of people for which to blame all of the Swizz problems on. So Chris, using his time traveling powers went to the future to the moment when Andy made his historic dog puns. Chris decided it was best then to blame the Germans. Going back to the 1930's Chris helped ended one of the greatest Attrocites known to man kind, as well as the plot of several "Academy Award" winning movies. Unfortunately things weren't looking good for Chris so he decided to "pull the plug" and sleep again. Chris slumber ended in 2006 when he heard his wake up line (and i'm John Oliver), in which he would commit the second greatest thing ever done, producing The Bugle. He decided to hypnotise the world's entire 7 billion population using subliminal messaging to create an entirely loyal slave army (To the Lib Dems), with which to invade BBC Radio 4 and force them to make a second series of Political Animal. To this end Chris had Tom the super-producer exiled to the best cricket nation in the world, Australia, and took his place.It can not be long before his work became known... The Day the Fear Began In 2010, a day that will go down in history, a faux God (Satin) told us we did not need be afraid anymore, uttering the worst words in Bugle History: ::: Fuck you, Chris! And God said "WHAT THE FU*K, AFTER WHAT I DID FOR YOU, YOU WHINING CU**S" the next day Chris facts Chris is the reason John Oliver quit The Bugle. He could no longer take the constant behind the scenes threats of harm to Hoagie, were he to miss another recording Chris fires the starting gun on all of Andy's pun runs. He aims for an adorable puppy and usually hits. Chris is Andy's greatest pun. Chris is a shit man. Producer Chris and Chris Brown are one and the same. Chris is the reason Greece is in so much debt after he sold them a time-share on Cyprus back in the 1890s Chris caused Hurricane Katrina, the Deepwater Horizon oil spill and the tornado that destroyed Joplin, Missouri. Chris started the London riots. Chris turned innocent people, instead of London rioters, in to the police after the London Riots Chris started the war in Iraq's pants. Chris is not the owner of the Ph.D. entitled "The Wang Gang: How saving the world can be more fun than pinching your gran in the buttocks". Chris once described Barack Obama as a "mister long-legged mack daddy". Chris changed his name to Ernő Rubik and invented the Rubik's Cube. Chris is the only season ticket holder in the history of the WNBA. At the royal wedding of Catherine Middleton and Prince William, what Harry really said to his brother at the altar was "Yeh she's alright, but she's no Chris". Chris is responsible for introducing Hugo 'Batshit' Chavez to Robert Mugabe at a cocktail party on one of Satan's barges across the fire lakes of Hell. He has been performing such match-ups since he introduced Attila the Hun to the ailing Western Roman Empire. Chris always uses his little finger to scratch his prostate; he then strolls around shouting "Stinky Pinky! Stinky Pinky" much to everyone's delight. Damn it, Chris. Chris started up an unlicenced daycare so that he could belittle children, he ruined the self esteme of 456 children permanently before he was apprehended. When he confessed he was quoted saying "I just like crushing their dreams so much." Chris fucked up bugle 150 on purpose so that it didn't have any audio after 14 mins in. (what a douche) Seems fixed now, thank you tom. Chris's hips DO lie. Chris produced the Black Eyed Pea's Super Bowl Halftime Show. He can be heard shouting "More Autotune!" throughout the show. Chris got rid of "sexy". Tom had to bring it back. Chris enjoys taking waffles away from small Belgian children. Chris Commonly mules drugs into the UK and occasionally other countries (really bad drugs too). Chris Invented GHB. Chris produced the infamous Rebeca Black's "Friday" song. Chris gave consulting advice on the construction of the Fukushima Dai-ichi nuclear plant in Japan. Chris's main consulting role was to reduce costs by negotiating down safety requirements from the government requested able to withstand a 9.5 severity earthquake with tidal wave down to merely being able to withstand an 8.5 without. The position made Chris spectacularly wealthy, but he spent most of that money bankrolling the apartheid regime in South Africa and helping them to acquire nuclear weapons. Chris regularly volunteers at a local homeless shelters, but spends all his time there intentionally playing grand piano (which he brings) poorly and asking for spare change before reading Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged to the patrons. It's also worth noting that when he volunteers he also does so under several aliases so that the shelters are short staffed as well. Chris fabricated the intelligence regarding WMDs in Iraq which precipitated the Iraq war. Chris boycotted the movie Avatar because he thought it unfairly portrayed the suffering of indigenous groups at the hands of resource hungry colonizers as "unfunny and unfair" Chris advised the church of Scientology on how to be more exclusive and creepy. Chris is known as a personal crusader for the continued fishing of Whales and Dolphins and was seen at the 2010 academy awards giving the long bowman's salute to the producers as they accepted the award, though this gesture was actually seen by most Americans as a sign of support. Chris got a start in the business of audio production by producing the Rawandan radio station who's propaganda was claimed to have precipitated the genocidal Civil War. Chris enjoys mimes. Chris negotiated the revival of "Big Brother" Chris tried to resusitate Bob Marley after he died from a drug overdose, the moment that he touched Bob's lips he became high for 369 days. I am in love with Chris' voice. Fuck you Chris! Chris is the reason why Andy is a bad Jew. A bad, bad Jew. Chris tells himself he's "The Best!" whilst looking in the mirror. Chris has tiger blood. Chris wrote the last episode of Seinfeld Chris was the first openly gay ruler of Denmark from 1999 to 2003. Chris invented Ebaum's World. Chris is the reason I don't know how magnets work. Chris is the goalkeeper coach for the English football team. Chris frequently issues super-injunctions when his friends make jokes about him. He also has them killed by his mafia contacts. Chris grinds the bones of Englishmen to make his bread. Chris is Rupert Murdoch's pet, and is requesting that he charge people to listen to the Bugle. Chris is the examiner who gave me a U for writing factual bullshit in my GCSE History exam. In fact, Chris is responsible for most of history. But only the bad bits. Chris enforces the blockade on Gaza, against the will of the Israeli military. The U.S. vetoes all United Nations resolutions condemning his inhuman actions. Tolkien based the character of Sauron on Chris. He later said in an interview on Fox News that he had downplayed some of the more evil and shocking aspects of Chris's character to prevent anyone reading about his exploits from going instantly mad. Not content with his usual hobby of dunking seagulls in barrels of oil, Chris sabotaged a BP oil rig. Chris once sucked all the protein out of a Rhino. Chris is the reason "Firefly" was cancelled. The critically acclaimed trilogy "High School Musical", known for its gritty portrayal of life in an American High School, and the stresses of unrealistic expectations of the youth of today in relation to the staging of a musical, was conceived and written by Chris. Chris failed utterly to prevent the outbreak of WW2. Chris owns a pet donkey named "Princess Lady." Chris' drug habit is the reason we pay taxes. The characters Avon Barksdale, and Stanislaus Valchek from The Wire are based on Chris Chris supports Sarah Palin. He adores her as a politician, a role model and a woman. In fact, there is some speculation that he is actually her father - and therefore directly responsible for her existence. Chris recently brought a pig back to Britain from a recent visit to Mexico. Chris influences catholic priests to touch little boys. Chris, not Helen, was responsible for the Trojan War. He chatted up Paris in a club, and the poor kid fell for his charms. Unfortunately Chris wasn't interested and Paris ended up staging the entire war as an outlet for his angst. Chris hacked the Gmail accounts for China. Chris is the reason that Bugle 128 was not upload correctly and Buglers had to wait until sunday to get it. It was Chris who killed Archduke Franz Ferdinand and caused WW1. Thinking about Chris is illegal in Lima, Peru. Chris was Pat Robertson's former mentor. Chris once attempted to fix a trade deficit with China by hooking the entire country on opium. That's right! Chris started the Opium Wars of the 19th century. "Now I am become Chris, the destroyer of worlds." - Robert Oppenheimer. Chris was special assistant to Joseph "Nothing to see here" Ratzinger when the latter was Archbishop of Munich and Freising. Do the children's cries keep you awake at night, Chris? I didn't think so. Hey, Chris! Why'd you start this whole "global warming" thing? Making our planet hotter? Fuck you, man! Chris has the heart of an angel... He keeps it in a jar on his desk. Chris often preforms ice pick lobotomies from the back of his van. Chris likes to trip old people and laugh in their face. Chris was found dead in a cheap hotel room last year. He wore only three socks (none of them matching) and reports claim an orange had been stuffed into his mouth. He is now a zombie. A sick, sick zombie. Chris is the lovechild of Nick Griffin and Carla Bruni. He gets his looks from dad, and his taste in French men from mum. Chris enjoys destroying rainforests, being rude to underground staff, and organising coups in small to mid sized African nations. Chris hates trumpets, never mind bugles. Can he really be trusted? Chris is a fine chap...if you like Holocaust deniers. Chris once led a bloodless coup in a southern African nation, then stole the country's rich platinum reserves and escaped, leaving the poor natives to fend for themselves. Chris only calls his mother when he needs money. And he he doesn't even have the courtesy to ask how she's doing. Chris once rented a baby to show off at one of the various high class events he's known to frequent and then broke its leg and sent it back for a refund. Chris plays all the abusive parents in NSPCC adverts because he plays the part so well. Chris is the reason The Beatles split up. Chris convinced John Oliver to appear in "The Love Guru" instead of accepting the lead in "The Dark Knight" telling him that..."the Batman thing is over". Chris voted for Bush in the 2004 election over 300 times. Chris lists his hobbies as stamping on kittens, torching childrens hospitals, and telling 4 year olds that Father Christmas does not really exist. Chris is an active member of Westboro Baptist Church. Chris continues to donate to Rudi Giuliani's 2008 campaign. Chris is the father of Nick Griffen Chris travels on monthly expeditions to the polar ice caps with a flamethrower to speed up the effects of global warming. Chris is the reason that Andy started the Audio Cryptic Crossword. Chris is the reason that Andy discontinued the Audio Cryptic Crossword. Chris is the reason that John disliked the Audio Cryptic Crossword. Chris hunted down former producer Tom and held him and his beautiful family hostage while he robbed them of their most treasured possessions, including a signed photo of Andy and a limited edition John Oliver sock. Chris enjoys continuing the old Spartan tradition of leaving babies on the side of a mountain if they are deemed too weak. Chris once attempted to teabag the Queen. Chris once succeeded in teabagging Prince Phillip Chris' favourite hottie from History was Margaret Thatcher. Whenever Chris buys groceries, he deliberately pays 10p less than the actual price in order to start an argument. Chris always carries a knife. Chris likes nothing more than watching endangered animals frolic freely and happily in their natural habitat in the African savannah... through the sight of his rifle. Chris shot JFK. Chris was the bullet used to shoot JFK. Chris did NOT shoot John Lennon. However, when John Oliver was looking for a new flat in New York, Chris strongly urged him to move into the Dakota Building. Zeus didn't rape Leda, it was Chris in a swan costume. (One for all you classicists out there.) Chris impregnated Samantha Cameron, just to increase the likelihood of a conservative victory in the coming election, Chris ordered the My Lai massacre. Chris suggested Vladimir Putin should plant some new trees outside Smolensk airport. He just doesn't like the Poles. Chris encouraged and then proceeded to plan the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor. Chris betrayed the Bay of Pigs invasion to the Cuban government for thirty pieces of silver. Chris led the 268 American soldiers to their deaths at the Battle of Little Bighorn. Chris has a tattoo that says, "I Don't Love Mom" Chris is product of an orgy with all the cast members of the Jersey Shore. "Smoke enough crack today Chris? Jesus man you are higher at six in the morning than most people are all year!" --Chris's mother, circa two days ago. Chris has no reflection. Chris is the reason we can't go to Mars. Chris is covering up a massive Vatican sex scandal. Chris rolls dwarves down hills, smiling and singing all the while. Chris smokes two joints when he wakes up, then goes off and commits knife crime across greater London. Chris teaches strict Creationism. Chris runs and operates a fully functioning opium den. Chris went back in time to watch Jesus die, just for kicks and giggles. He kicked Jesus and giggled like a little girl. Chris donated a kidney to Osama bin Laden so that his reign of terror could continue. Chris stole Andy's bin. Chris killed Biggie and Tupac. Chris hates cricket. Chris sent a picture of his knob to Tony Hart with a note saying "Stick that in your gallery, you white haired bastard!" Chris shot Arch Duke Franz Ferdinand, precipitating WW1. Chris personally ended the Space Shuttle Program Chris caused Andy and John to take 4 weeks off in August 2010. Andy even went to Edinburgh to get away from him Chris is the only known human to be both a right-wing extremist and a left-wing extremist. Chris spends his Tuesday evenings giving cocaine-laced candy to the local children. Chris was the iceberg which sunk the Titanic. Chris hates everything you stand for. Chris has C-Cup Breasts. Chris doesn't rewind. Chris is the 'Europe' of producers. Chris invented impalas, octopi and puppets. Chris is the reason fish have no fingers, only invisible internal thumbs. Chris is reason that flammable and inflammable mean the same thing. Chris is an active member of the Conservative Party, and is directly responisble for raising student tuition fees. (On behalf of all students, Fuck You Chris!!). Chris is both the inspiration for, and the main ingredient in, the KFC Double Down. On his only trip to Detroit, in 1964, Chris led a SWAT team into local bar and knowingly arrested 30 innocent people. Thus starting the 1964 riots in Detroit Chris stole my bike. What a dick. Chris was the first man to simultaneously reach both poles in a mankini. Chris lost his penis and a toe to frostbite. If you have ever stepped on a stink bug, Chris invented that smell and sold it to all stink bugs for a fee of 1 pound. Chris was the conscience of the Unabomber, and if you look into his closet you will find an angel outfit and a devil outfit. Chris stole John Major's moustache. He occasionally wears it to fancy dress parties (in drag). Chris had the idea of putting ads for lame football podcasts in the middle of The Bugle. Chris is actually the much older and much less attractive brother of The American. Chris invented cricket. Chris put the Smallpox virus on those blankets. Chris coined the phrase 'bunga bunga'. Chris told Steven Speilberg and George Lucas to make Indiana Jones and the kingdom of the crystal skull. Nuclear power is actually man's hatred of Chris in the form of energy. Chris is personally responsible for the spelling of the word 'Wednesday'. Chris's mentor-turned-rival Lyndon Johnson once said, "If I ordered a whole carload of sons-of-bitches and they just sent Chris, I'd sign for the shipment." Chris will be the campaign manager for Sarah Palin's presidential run in 2012. Make that 2016. Chris is the only known entity in the universe to have survived a roundhouse kick by Chuck Norris. Chris has cancer in all internal organs, except in his ovaries. Chris's musk causes 94.76% of world pollution, feel fortunate he was born without an anus. Chris married a Grilled Cheese sandwich in 1989. They have six delicious children Chris was a founding member of 1980s American post punk band Timbuk 3 Chris once mated with a velociraptor. It was so-so. Chris, on the other hand, enjoyed it. Chris once had a contest with Sting to see who could go the longest without orgasming while being sexually pleasured by buxom blond Ukrainian nurses. Chris won by 6 days, 13 hours, 39 minutes, and 16 seconds. The first 2 days, 6 hours, 17 minutes, and 46 seconds of which were just to make sure he had won, the rest was just showing off. Chris is allergic to pastrami. Chris is LeBron James. Chris is going to cancel Community Chris secretly died in 1978. He was replaced by a Bugle producing robot who has been acting in his place ever since. This becomes clear if you play episode 99 backwards. Chris has sensually kissed Jack Ruby in Dallas. No, no that Jack Ruby. A different one. Chris' best friend is a giant hamster named Mortimer. Chris needs to lick car batteries in order to achieve an erection. Chris was pope once, but the funny hat clashed with his style so he quit that gig. When asked about his favorite part of being pope Chris was quoted as saying, "No rubbers! Oh yeah!" Chris is a frequent jogger. Chris is not actually human, but a human looking breed of turtle. Chris has never worn underpants. Chris is a hottie from history. Chris is currently the oldest he's ever been. Chris was a member of the 1919 Black Sox, but his part was cruelly cut from Field of Dreams. Chris was abducted by aliens in 1997. He destroyed their entire civilization. Why? All Chris would say was, "It was going to happen anyway." Chris thinks Jackie Robinson was a cunt. Chris was actually the one who gave the sandwich to Mama Cass (he also did the plaster cast of Hendrix - look it up). If you play episode 133 of The Bugle backwards while deep sea diving, you will hear Chris singing The Jonas Brother's hit song "Burning Up" in a pseudo-American accent. However, it will be the last thing you ever hear. He only knows the chorus, anyway. Chris has written dozens of false facts about himself on the Bugle Wiki in a complex plan to discredit himself for personal gain. Chris has three nipples. Chris was the cause for the Geneva conventions. He then proceded to break all of them Chris has assimilated the Borg Chris revived PBR. Chris doesn't have to bleep out expletives during The Bugle, he just does it because he despises free speech. Chris once climed a tree to play with a sausage. Chris doesnt like Dr Who. Chris set the terms for the Treaty of Versailles. Chris has naked pictures of Florence Nightingale but he won't let Andy see them. Chris has never been to Las Vegas, and never will, until the politically incorrect casinos change the name of Blackjack to African-Americanjack. Chris eats 3 times his body weight in insects every night. Chris hides a shotgun in the waistband of his sweatpants every time he goes to the club. Chris cannot simply walk into Mordor, he has to dance into it. Chris is responsible for the string of murders attributed to Jack the Ripper. If you play Episode 161 - Hacking: A Self-esteem Issue backwards whilst being a bit of a nutjob, you can clearly hear Chris saying both "Tom is dead" and "it's fun to smoke chopped liver". Chirs has been systematically removing despot leaders from power leaving Andy and John nothing left to satirise. Silvio Berlusconi...Gone...Kim Jong Il....Gone...Gordon Brown....Gone. Look out Hugo Chavez, Chris is still on the loose. Chris is Donald Trump's campaign manager. Chris has a suspiciously large stash of mattress grade silicon. Ironically he keeps it under his bed. Chris is deaf and edits The Bugle using his trusty guide dog, Wobbles. Chris can dislocate his jaw and this allows him to consume cockerspaniels whole if he feels hungry. Chris cannot say the word 'Pizza' without coming out in hives. Chris is part of an S&M show at a strip club in Washington in his spare time where he often performs bondage with the rotting corpse of 'The Man who would be President' Ronald Reagan. Chris built Rome in a day. Then burned it down, pissed on the ashes and let some feral jumpstart who'd been raised by a wolf have a crack at it. Chris was responsible for Dante's new look in DmC: Devil May Cry. He said that the character needed to look more like Edward Cullen on heroin. Chris is the one who gives Uwe Boll money and encourages him to keep making movies. Chris helped Osama bin Laden plot out the 9/11 attacks on the Twin Towers and the Pentagon. Chris is the reason I can't get a girlfriend. What a douche. Chris slept with your mom. Chris is the reason your parents got divorced. Chris can't start his day without raping 100 child soldiers. Chris helped Jimmy Savile come into contact with all the children he sexually abused because it would help them "build character." Chris has kissed 26 convicted murders. Most famously Tiequon Cox, Thor Nis Christiansen and the self-proclaimed "Sausage King" and murderer Stuart Alexander. Chris is the new Stig Chris convinced Ben Collins to reveal himself as the first white Stig, and even ghost-wrote his book. Chris made several spelling mistakes in Ben Collins' book Chris keeps Google+ from gaining popularity Chris killed Bambi. You heard me. Chris shot a man in Reno just to watch him die. Chris did in fact, drop that thun thun. Chris broke the Iron Sheik's back and made him humble Chris is an explicit number of penguins Chris is the one who started harpooning whales around Japan. Thing's he did Do *** Created Monty Python *** Played in England's Winning World Cup Team *** Created The Bugle *** Created Madness *** Made the Devil get out of the UK (Came back as Nick Griffin) *** Saved the World Category:People Category:Producers